Lately, I've been tossing around the idea of watching a child (or children) in my home. I would love to contribute to our household income and I stay home most of the time anyway, so why not make some money while Scout and I are hanging around the house, right? But then I think of all the drawbacks. Scout would be forced to spend every day with another child. Forced to share her mommy, her toys, and her space. Her routine would be altered. I still nurse her down for her naps. How would I go about doing that with another toddler or baby around?

I know all of that happens when a sibling enters the picture. But to me, sharing her daily life with another member of the family is very different than having to share it with some random child. One of the advantages of us waiting a while to have another baby is being able to give Scout all of our attention for the first few years of her life. Opening up our home to another child 5 days a week for 8-9 hours a day kind of cancels that out.

I'm sure she would enjoy having a playmate sometimes, but I would just feel bad that she'd have no choice but to play with this other child day in and day out. Or would she even care?

I know this may sound rude or finicky or whatever, but IF I did decide to open up my home to other children, I would have to like them immensely and get along great with their parents. How awful would it be to get stuck with a super difficult and challenging child and rotten parents that annoy me? I think I am asking too much. The planets would have to align just perfectly for me to end up with the ideal babysitting situation.

Obviously, it seems I have already made my decision. When I "think out loud" about it, it appears to be a bad idea. But then when I think of the money aspect, it really makes a lot of sense. I know that there are probably lots of stay-at-home moms who babysit in their homes. How do they make it work? I'm sure there must be a way to do it, but I'm just not sure how.

Labels: deep thoughts, family, finances, home business

Breastfeeding seems to be getting much easier. My nipples are still a little sore, but I can tell that they are healing from the rough start we had. Our little girl is getting plenty. I love it when she is done eating and there is milk dripping from the corners of her tiny mouth. I love it when she drifts off to sleep in my arms with a full belly. It seems like all I do is nurse her, but that in itself is so satisfying.

We haven't started using cloth diapers yet, although I am looking forward to making that transition. I just figure that my mom and grandma have enough to do around here without me asking them to wash poopy diapers in addition to our other laundry. I want to start using cloth soon, though....plus, we're running out of disposable diapers and we are in somewhat of a tight financial spot right now.

Speaking of which, we have no insurance and now we have an unexpected hospital bill to pay for. I try not to think about that too much. I know it will get taken care of, even if we just chip away at it with small payments over a long period of time. The safe arrival of our sweet daughter is certainly worth a hospital bill, no matter how expensive.

I have put a lot of thought into how I will refer to our little girl in blog-land. I've decided that there is no harm in using her real first name. I Googled it to see how easy it would be for friends and family to find this page if they did a search for her name, and there are so many other pages that come up in the search results - I doubt that they would ever stumble across this one.

Her name is Scout.

One of the things I included in our birth plan was that we would celebrate the arrival of our new baby with a carrot cake from our local natural foods store (yum! my favorite!) Here is a picture of Scout with the cake her daddy ordered for her. Sure, we ate it a couple days after her actual birthday....but it was still special...and really delicious.



Oh yeah, and here is a pic of the very first time I met Scout:



I LOVE this picture. It makes me want to cry.

Labels: cloth diapering, finances, food, labor/birth

I cried this morning for absolutely no reason. Okay, I guess I had a reason, but it's not a very good one. It's a strange feeling when your brain knows that there is no logical reason to be weepy and sad, but you can't stop the tears from welling up. I don't enjoy being irrationally emotional, but I guess it feels good to let out a good cry every now and again. Not something I want to make a habit of.

What got me in such a mood was thinking about how useless I am to DH...or hopefully more accurately, how I useless I FEEL to DH .......how I don't make any money and I feel totally worthless sometimes....and then the waterworks started. I know deep down that I'm not worthless, and I wish I could teach myself to stop thinking of my worth and ability to contribute in terms of MONEY, but it's a tough mindset to get out of.

I need to take a moment and look at all the things that I do get accomplished that DH probably finds valuable. He always has clean clothes that are hung up and (relatively) wrinkle-free....Socks and undies in the dresser drawers...clean towels in the hall closet. He always has a lunch to take with him to work, and I'm always home to cook dinner. (unless we have a church function that I need to go to before he gets home) I make the most of our meager grocery budget and I am usually very thrifty about how often I drive my car. Before I got pregnant, I did all the yard work and plan on starting back up after the baby's born. (Okay, maybe not right after :) I know I waste a lot of time on the computer, but most of the time I am reading articles/message boards that pertain to healthy birth and pregancy, breastfeeding, cloth diapers, and parenting in general. Surely, me reading up on all the stuff that DH probably doesn't have the time to delve into will prove to be a valuable asset to our family.

I could make an even longer list of things that I don't do that I SHOULD try and get done during my days at home, but I want to end this post feeling halfway decent about myself.

Way to go, pregnancy hormones.

Labels: deep thoughts, finances

Well, I'm not in the crummy mood I was in when I wrote my last post. I hate it how money issues can get me all frazzled. It's silly. I know that we are super blessed with a lot of things that other people don't have. I am SO blessed to have the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mommy. Even though money is tight right now, I know that it won't be like this forever. No one makes me feel guilty about not having an income except for me. DH doesn't act like he minds. In fact, it seems to work out really well for us when I am at home doing the cleaning, laundry, cooking, yard work (well, no yard work going on lately), errands, etc. When we were both working full time, we had to spend our days off doing chores around the house. Now, he doesn't have to even think of touching the laundry or dishes and can spend his free time doing whatever he wants. (Even though he is usually fixing other people's computers in his spare time :)

I need to remind myself that being a mommy is going to be a full time job in of itself and that our child and entire family will benefit greatly from me staying at home. Even though I'd love to find a way to make money from home, it shouldn't make me feel like any less of a person to "just" be a wife and mother. It's the job I've always wanted to have.

When I was in high school, if a student said that her goal was to be a homemaker, I remember teachers and guidance counsellors replying with comments that discouraged that way of thinking. I appreciate that their jobs were to help us set high goals for our futures and encourage us to go to college in order to go on and get high-paying careers, but I wish that "just" being a wife and mom would've been viewed as an important role in society....instead of something you get stuck doing if you "fail" at being a career woman.

I want to become a Proverbs 31 woman. A woman who is a valuable asset to her husband and children. That is the career I want to have.

A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman--who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls. The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil.

She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her. She seeks out wool and flax and works with willing hands [to develop it]. She is like the merchant ships loaded with foodstuffs; she brings her household's food from a far [country]. She rises while it is yet night and gets [spiritual] food for her household and assigns her maids their tasks. She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties]; with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard.

She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm. She tastes and sees that her gain from work [with and for God] is good; her lamp goes not out, but it burns on continually through the night [of trouble, privation, or sorrow, warning away fear, doubt, and distrust].

She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She opens her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her filled hands to the needy [whether in body, mind, or spirit].

She fears not the snow for her family, for all her household are doubly clothed in scarlet. She makes for herself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry. Her clothing is of linen, pure and fine, and of purple [such as that of which the clothing of the priests and the hallowed cloths of the temple were made].

Her husband is known in the [city's] gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.

She makes fine linen garments and leads others to buy them; she delivers to the merchants girdles [or sashes that free one up for service].

Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; she rejoices over the future [the latter day or time to come, knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it]! She opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction]. She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness (gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she will not eat.

Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied); and her husband boasts of and praises her, [saying], "Many daughters have done virtuously, nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], but you excel them all. Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised! Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates [of the city]!"

(Proverbs 31:10-31, Amplified Bible)

Thanks for listening to me give myself a little pep-talk.

Labels: deep thoughts, finances, spirituality

I guess there's just no pleasing me. When I'm babysitting often, I complain about it. When I'm not babysitting enough, I complain about it. Just smack me.

To justify my wishy-washiness, I equate it with complaining about one's job. There are many things that might irk you about your employer/co-workers/work-load/customers/etc, and you may not hop out of bed every morning, happy and eager to face your work day.......but when it comes down to it, you don't want to take a bunch of unpaid vacations or get fired!

With that said, I do enjoy the days I don't have Bob. I feel like I get a lot more done around the house and I am free to rest my achy pelvis and back and indulge in naps and quiet loafing(obviously things I won't be able to do much of for a LONG time after the baby is born). BUT, I'd rather have Bob here and get paid for watching him 4 days a week because we have come to rely on my babysitting income.

The lady I babysit for IM'ed me yesterday to ask how much she owes me this time around (I get paid monthly). I didn't get the message until late last night, so I called her this morning to let her know. While I was waiting for her to call me back, I started getting more and more irritated at the fact that I have gone from babysitting an average of 15-20 days a month to a measley 4 days this month! It irritates me because she never warned me or talked to me about it; my days have just slowly decreased to this point.

There are a few good reasons why I have let it go for so long without asking her about it: For one thing, there have been weeks in the past where I may not have gotten as many days as I'd like, but then things may pick back up the next week and it would all even out....so I was just thinking, "Hey, maybe they're just trying to save extra money for the holidays and things will get back to normal later." Secondly, on the days I don't babysit him, Bob is either spending time with his grandma or his dad when they have extra days off work. I'm GLAD that he gets to spend time with family, and I'd feel kind of crummy for trying to put a stop to that just because of our finances. Another reason why I didn't think it would be fair to come out and say, "Hey, I need to be guaranteed X number of days from now on", is because I have to request off 1 day a month to visit my midwife (soon to be 2 days a month) and I've also had to request 2 vacations - once when my parents came to visit and stayed for a week, and also for my upcoming week-long trip to see my family next month......so, I didn't think it would be fair to expect a flexible schedule so I can keep my appointments but then expect them to keep their schedule rigid. (I must note, however, that I have never "called in sick" or given her short notice when I have to take a day off. She always knows about my appointments 4 weeks ahead of time, and about my vacations even further in advance)

I never felt the need to set ground rules at the beginning when it came to having a minimum amount of days I would need to babysit because we weren't planning on having to rely heavily on my income at that point. (Since then DH has gone to a job where he has taken a large pay cut) Also, I was told that I'd be watching him 3-4 days a week and it was never mentioned to me that it would end up fluctuating according to grandma's work schedule.

She knows that DH and I rely on my babysitting money because back when she was asking me how long I would be able to keep babysitting before our baby is born, she offered to have my replacement start watching him in January so that I can have plenty of rest and time to get ready for the baby's arrival. I thanked her for thinking about my needs like that and told her that I appreciated the offer, but that I do rely on my babysitting income and would like to babysit until the middle/end of March. So she definitely KNOWS that this is my job and that I need it.

When I just spoke to her, I let her know how much she owed me this pay period and then I reluctantly brought up the issue of my decreased babysitting hours. I told her that I hesitated to ask her about it because I didn't want to come off as being greedy or not wanting Bob to spend time with his family, but that I was just wondering if the frequency of my babysitting days would continue like this in the future and I was just wanting to know so DH and I could plan our budget accordingly. She replied, "Yeah, probably so, because my mom has been requesting days off work here and there during the week so she can spend time with the baby".

Nice to know.

I have learned an important lesson from all of this. Babysitting for friends is like doing business with friends. It's probably not the best idea because you just end up disappointing eachother in ways that you otherwise would not have. Maybe it wouldn't be like that with everybody...maybe there are people who would be a little more organized and consistent. Atleast now I know that if I do start babysitting again, I will need to set some ground rules up front and sick to them so there is no miscommunication.

BUT THEN....none of this would really be a huge issue to me if I didn't feel so pressed for money and an underlying guilt that I do not bring anything to our household, financially speaking.

Labels: babysitting, finances, general complaining, griping about people

I went to our county health department and got approved for the WIC Program today. I'm so excited about this! I loved getting my little vouchers, or "food instruments", as they call them. Is it weird that I'm so happy about getting government cheese? Hee hee :) As a pregnant woman with no children, I will receive these items monthly:

80 oz of dry milk (I opted for dry milk because of the connection my midwife sees between regular store-bought milk and GBS....I seem to remember her saying that powdered and canned milk should be safe in that area. The WIC officer said that their program does not give vouchers for soy, rice, or almond milk....yet. I've never had dry milk before, but I usually only use milk on my cereal, so maybe it won't be gross.)

72 oz of juice (half in pourable concentrate cans and half in frozen concentrate....all 100% juice)

2 lbs cheese (No pasteurized-processed cheese-food allowed: only REAL cheese.....which is what we buy anyway. Woohoo!)

2 doz eggs (I sure do go through a lot of eggs around here)

1 lb dry beans or peas (I *heart* beans)

30 oz cereal (must be on the WIC-approved list....but there are plenty of options. Mainly, any type of whole grain cereal that isn't super fancy and expensive)

After the baby comes and I am breastfeeding, I will get a lot more of the foods I listed, plus: tuna, carrots, and *I think* peanutbutter.

I was really impressed with how pro-breastfeeding the office was. The WIC officer that met with me asked how I planned to feed my baby and was very excited when I told her I plan to nurse. She also made sure I knew that it is the best for baby if I breastfeed for the bare minimum of a year. There were La Leche League posters all over the place and signs about the health department's monthly breastfeeding class. I particularly liked the sign that read, "Please feel free to breastfeed anywhere you like."

I suppose it makes sense that a government program that gives vouchers for baby formula would be avid proponents of breastfeeding....the more mothers who breastfeed, the less formula vouchers they have to give out. But still, it's nice to be in an environment that encourages breastfeeding.

On a different subject, I totally missed yesterday's episode of The Office! I'm so sad! Well, DH is currently downloading it for us to watch later, so I'm not COMPLETELY heartbroken. I openly admit that I am addicted to that show and my favorite day of the week is Thursday because of it. The long-running drama between Pam and Jim has me hooked....especially with this "Karen" girl from the Stamford branch moving in on Jim. Yikes. Of course, I love the show for the humor as well. Cracks. Me. Up.

Labels: finances, food

This past week has been a rollercoaster of strange thoughts and emotions. DH quit his job suddenly in a fit of rage over the unfair way they have been treating him. Monday afternoon he was so angry, he packed up all of his belongings and brought them home. He took Tueday off because he was still not quite cooled off. Tuesday night afterhours, he left a letter of resignation on his boss' desk, along w/ his keys and his laptop. The resignation was effetctive immediately. Wednesday was a barrage of calls from his superiors and co-workers, none of which he answered.

We discussed all of our options before he quit and decided that he has enough skills to go into business for himself. We both felt empowered and confident in this decision, but as the week went on, DH started having 2nd thought. He contacted his immediate supervisor on Friday and he's supposed to go in on Monday to talk with the supervisor's boss. He's pretty sure he's just going to go back and work for them.

In a way, it's a little sad, but I have to admit that I do feel better knowing that we will have stability in these months of planning to have a child. DH has been so adamant about planning financially for the arrival of a baby - it would be very ironic if our baby came into the world with a couple of jobless parents.



P.S. - I think I ovulated the other day, according to the consistency of my cervical mucus, which means I must ovulate on the 14th day of my cycle or so. When it comes time to try, I think I'll get one of those ovulation detection kits from Wal-mart or somewhere. A lady recently told me that she and her DH had been trying to conceive for 7 months and after she got the ovulation kit she realized she was ovulating 4 days earlier than originally thought and ended up getting preggo right away.

Heehee... the term "preggo" makes me giggle. It reminds me of Britney Spears or another pregnant celeb....I guess because smut magazines always use headline such as "Madonna's Preggo" or the like. How silly.

Labels: dh, finances, ttc