Stuck on you
Saturday, September 20, 2008

Scout has become pretty clingy when around large groups of people. I can't say that I blame her. It would be very intimidating to be a tiny person with limited communication skills among a throng of loud strangers. This has been making our regular duties at church a little difficult lately. Scout used to let me hand her over to Pretend Grandma or any of the other sweet doting-grandma-type ladies at church when both DH and I need to be up on the platform with the band. Not so much anymore. It's Scream Fest '08 if I even WALK toward someone she knows used to watch her during the song service. Last Sunday she started pouting her bottom lip and tears began to well up in her eyes the moment we stepped into the sanctuary. I felt so bad for her. I'm very thankful that the leader of the praise and worship team doesn't mind me holding her while I sing. Although, I admit that I can see how having someone holding a toddler on stage during the song service could be a bit distracting to the worshipers and I wouldn't at all be offended if I was asked not to do that anymore. At that point, I would tell the leader of the band that I can't come up on the stage to sing until I get her calmed down and settled in with whomever is watching her. He would definitely understand, but we are already a little short on singers, so my presence is MUCH appreciated.

There have been times when I have handed Scout over to a friend right before the song service even though she was screaming bloody murder. Everyone says that once I am out of her sight and she is outside watching the big kids play or in the nursery playing with the toys, the tears dry up and she is her old chipper self again. She ends up enjoying herself much more than if she would've stayed Velcroed (is that a word?) to my neck. My mommy instincts seem to always tell me when it's NOT okay to hand her over and let her cry. Sometimes I just feel like she needs me. But honestly, sometimes I hand her over while she's crying and I don't have any reservations doing it - like I just know when she's going to be fine once she's distracted and can't see me anymore.

So, what do you think? Do you think it is cruel to make her go through that initial bout of crying and being upset even though she usually does fine once she's away from me? Most of the people at my church are in the "She's gotta learn to be without mommy /let her cry" camp. I have some other friends who are in the "never do anything to make a child upset / you must always respect the child's feelings" camp.

I see the benefit and need for both approaches. I'd say that I'm somewhere in the middle of the two camps. (I know that some of you are probably gasping in horror right now) I feel like I am very tuned in to what Scout needs. I do my absolute best to try and understand what's going on in that little brain of hers and I make it my job to help her understand what's going on in this crazy big world around her. I do try to be sensitive to her feelings and know that her emotions are very really and shouldn't be ignored or belittled.

My blood boils (okay, well maybe it doesn't boil - it just kinda simmers) when a well-meaning friend jokingly says "Aww - suck it up and quit your cryin'" or "That sounds totally fake. We're onto you!" to Scout when she is upset. I know they're just poking fun and kidding around, but I also think that deep down they really believe what they're saying and that makes me mad. How would THEY like it if they were obviously upset and crying about something and I went up to them and told them to suck it up or that they're faking it - even jokingly?

And the flipside? While I firmly believe that children are people too and we need to respect their feelings, sometimes I think it is necessary to do things as parents that might not make our children especially happy. Because we're their parents and we have life experience and knowledge that they don't possess. It's so tough sometimes to find a balance....to be gentle and somewhat accommodating, while also trying to give boundaries and making the tough decisions

This is a stupid example but it comes to mind first because it is an issue I deal with daily here in the Unkempt Family household. Scout will eat an infinite amount of raisins and prunes if I let her. I'm sure she would keep eating them until she was doubled over with the monster of all belly-aches and diarrhea that is too explosive for any diaper on this earth to contain. It's my job as her mommy to cut her off when I feel like she's had her limit. Does she get the most heartbroken look on her face which is followed with a meltdown of epic proportions when I stop tossing fistfuls of dried fruit into her snack bowl and then try to explain to her that she can have some more later? Yes. But it must be done.

Maybe comparing her love affair with raisins with her desire to become my own human necklace on Sunday mornings is a little silly - but maybe it isn't. I swear, sometimes she screams harder when the raisins are gone than she does when I walk up on the stage and pick up my microphone.

Labels: controversial topics, pretend grandma, tough parenting decisions

posted by Unkempt Mommy @ 7:43 AM,

3 Comments:

At Sat Sep 20, 09:55:00 AM CDT, heidi said...: i think i'm right there with you in between the two camps. i also get frustrated with people who seem to think ds's meltdowns are not valid reasons for me wanting to comfort him.dh and i haven't been able to sit together in church since he began having separation anxiety at around 17mo. now i just teach his little sunday school class since i always seemed to be in there anyway. lots of people have told me "oh, this is just your first, you'll be much thicker skinned with your second" and maybe that's true, but for now i know that i would not be able to sit and enjoy church knowing that he is in another room crying miserably for his mama.
At Sat Sep 20, 04:24:00 PM CDT, shoofly mama said...: I think you are handling it perfectly fine. Katie was of the, "Bye, see you later, mama!" camp. Never batted an eyelash while scooting off to play with her friends and the loving person who was there to hold/teach/play with her. Topher was my high-needs child who made my pager go off more than once during Sunday School and church. I had to leave him crying more than once, but he always settled down before I made it down the hallway.

I feel like if he settled that quickly, he knew that I was going to be back. It's good for them to know that when you leave, you WILL come back for them. Mamas need some time to refresh and renew, if only for the length of a few songs. At the same time, you are still in tune withe her feelings and still mothering her. This is an age of increased separation anxiety. Just make sure that "pretend grandma" or whomever is in the nursery knows that if she doesn't settle, you need to be fetched!
At Sat Sep 20, 08:32:00 PM CDT, Dawn B said...: Totally.Feeling.Your.Pain.

Natalie is attached to us again (she went through this right before she turned one).