Gulp.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Last night we were hanging out with some childless friends and I was kind of picking up the vibe that one of my friends did not approve of some of my parenting choices. I mean, she wasn't really saying or doing anything too blatant...just some of her expressions made me think that she thinks I'm too much of a softy with Scout. I had attempted to put Scout to bed at 8:30, but it didn't work. I'm sure my friend could hear the screaming and whining and my shushing and singing from the other room, before I gave up and brought Scout back out to play.
My friend: Is it because we're here?
Me: Well, no - not really. Her nose is just so stuffy - she's all snorkly when she lays down and I think she's having a hard time getting comfortable. Also, I think I left the room too fast. She wasn't quite asleep when I tried to sneak out after nursing her, so she saw me and got scared and started screaming.
My friend: {rolling eyes}
Also, when Scout was exploring the room and playing, if she touched something she wasn't really supposed to or headed in a direction where she shouldn't go, my friend would say "no!" really loudly and with authority. She was kind of making a joke out of it - telling me that's how she has to get her kindergarten kids to listen (she's a student teacher) - by annunciating "no" very clearly and signing it at the same time. I guess she thought it was the appropriate thing to do, since she knows we are teaching Scout signs.
I'm just not quite as strict with Scout. Don't get me wrong, I do tell her "no" (seems like I've been having to do that a lot lately) ....but I don't usually raise my voice and if she is not getting into anything dangerous or being purposefully disobedient, I simply redirect her and offer her something else to play with. I try to see the world through her eyes. She is curious and wants to explore. I can't fault her for that. I definitely want to teach her boundaries and make her understand that there are things that she needs to stay away from and refrain from touching for her own good. I don't want to let her do EVERYTHING she wants simply to keep the peace. But I am learning that it is wise to pick my battles.
My friend would seem frustrated with Scout when she was trying to read her a story and Scout would want to grab the book out of her hand or turn the page before she was finished reading a sentence. Also done in a joking manner, but loud and authoritative nonetheless, she would say, "No! I am reading the book. WAIT until I am done." When Scout does the same thing to me, I just turn it into a game and say, "The end!" cheerfully every time she closes the book mid-sentence...and Scout giggles and we have fun.
I don't think my friend realizes that there is a vast difference between kindergarteners and 1-year-olds.
Keep in mind that we are close enough friends that if I felt like she was crossing the line with Scout or if she said something that really bothered me, I wouldn't even hesitate to bring it up. And it would be totally fine and wouldn't ruin our friendship at all because we are very comfortable with eachother.
Her actions didn't necessarily bother me or make me mad....they simply made me realize how much I've had to adjust my thinking since having a child of my own. It made me realize that I've had to eat many, many of the words I said back in my babysitting days.
I used to get irritated with Bob's mom for some of the silliest things and I had a lot of thoughts that began with, "When I have a child he/she will...." or "When I'm a mom, I won't do that, I'll...."
Ha! Man, oh man....have I had to chew up some of those judgmental sentences and gulp them down hard! It is easy for a childless person to say what they would or wouldn't do with their own children. It is easy to want to be strict and merciless with another person's rambuctious toddler when you haven't been the one to nurture and love that child since they were a teeny newborn baby. I may even go so far as to say that I'm not sure I would feel comfortable with anyone who has not had children of their own babysitting Scout on a regular basis. It's not that it bothers me for other people to correct my child....but I would much rather that gentle (but firm) discipline to come from someone who is looking through the eyes of a parent's love. I know if I had it to do all over again, I would've given Bob a lot more hugs and kisses. I would've used his playful curiosity as a tool for learning instead of mainly being annoyed by him getting into everything. I would've been more patient and understanding with both him and his mom. (in my defense, though, I was pregnant, tired, and hormonal, so I'm sure that attributed to my short fuse at least a little bit)
{Sigh} You live and learn, I suppose. Someday, my childless friend will know what it means to be a mother and she will have to munch on a lot of her words as well.
My friend: Is it because we're here?
Me: Well, no - not really. Her nose is just so stuffy - she's all snorkly when she lays down and I think she's having a hard time getting comfortable. Also, I think I left the room too fast. She wasn't quite asleep when I tried to sneak out after nursing her, so she saw me and got scared and started screaming.
My friend: {rolling eyes}
Also, when Scout was exploring the room and playing, if she touched something she wasn't really supposed to or headed in a direction where she shouldn't go, my friend would say "no!" really loudly and with authority. She was kind of making a joke out of it - telling me that's how she has to get her kindergarten kids to listen (she's a student teacher) - by annunciating "no" very clearly and signing it at the same time. I guess she thought it was the appropriate thing to do, since she knows we are teaching Scout signs.
I'm just not quite as strict with Scout. Don't get me wrong, I do tell her "no" (seems like I've been having to do that a lot lately) ....but I don't usually raise my voice and if she is not getting into anything dangerous or being purposefully disobedient, I simply redirect her and offer her something else to play with. I try to see the world through her eyes. She is curious and wants to explore. I can't fault her for that. I definitely want to teach her boundaries and make her understand that there are things that she needs to stay away from and refrain from touching for her own good. I don't want to let her do EVERYTHING she wants simply to keep the peace. But I am learning that it is wise to pick my battles.
My friend would seem frustrated with Scout when she was trying to read her a story and Scout would want to grab the book out of her hand or turn the page before she was finished reading a sentence. Also done in a joking manner, but loud and authoritative nonetheless, she would say, "No! I am reading the book. WAIT until I am done." When Scout does the same thing to me, I just turn it into a game and say, "The end!" cheerfully every time she closes the book mid-sentence...and Scout giggles and we have fun.
I don't think my friend realizes that there is a vast difference between kindergarteners and 1-year-olds.
Keep in mind that we are close enough friends that if I felt like she was crossing the line with Scout or if she said something that really bothered me, I wouldn't even hesitate to bring it up. And it would be totally fine and wouldn't ruin our friendship at all because we are very comfortable with eachother.
Her actions didn't necessarily bother me or make me mad....they simply made me realize how much I've had to adjust my thinking since having a child of my own. It made me realize that I've had to eat many, many of the words I said back in my babysitting days.
I used to get irritated with Bob's mom for some of the silliest things and I had a lot of thoughts that began with, "When I have a child he/she will...." or "When I'm a mom, I won't do that, I'll...."
Ha! Man, oh man....have I had to chew up some of those judgmental sentences and gulp them down hard! It is easy for a childless person to say what they would or wouldn't do with their own children. It is easy to want to be strict and merciless with another person's rambuctious toddler when you haven't been the one to nurture and love that child since they were a teeny newborn baby. I may even go so far as to say that I'm not sure I would feel comfortable with anyone who has not had children of their own babysitting Scout on a regular basis. It's not that it bothers me for other people to correct my child....but I would much rather that gentle (but firm) discipline to come from someone who is looking through the eyes of a parent's love. I know if I had it to do all over again, I would've given Bob a lot more hugs and kisses. I would've used his playful curiosity as a tool for learning instead of mainly being annoyed by him getting into everything. I would've been more patient and understanding with both him and his mom. (in my defense, though, I was pregnant, tired, and hormonal, so I'm sure that attributed to my short fuse at least a little bit)
{Sigh} You live and learn, I suppose. Someday, my childless friend will know what it means to be a mother and she will have to munch on a lot of her words as well.
Labels: babysitting, deep thoughts, discipline, friends, griping about people, tough parenting decisions
posted by Unkempt Mommy at 11:37 AM
8 Comments:
Eowyn does the same thing with books and I just say, "The end" too! Cause frankly, after 20 times lookin' at the same book, I want her to slam it shut and not make me read it through AGAIN!
I was an El. Ed major and taught fourth grade before having Max, and in my experience, teachers can be very bossy, judgmental, bold and know it all. (I'm talking me here too) Your friend will mellow, and like you said, once she has children of her own...she'll learn more about child relations.
Ugh. I'm sorry you had a rough night. My sister does the same things with my kids. I should say my single sister who lives alone. I get so frustrated that she can't "enjoy" them. I feel like she's always correcting them for things that I don't think need correcting. Then they get frustrated with her, and she gets worked up and tries to make me get on their case for how they treated her. Well, come on! How would you like it if your favorte aunt yelled at you for being a kid?
Sorry, rant over. I think there are people more suited to deal with children, and those who aren't. My daughter's first grade teacher is one who isn't. She may be a wonderful mother, but EH on her ability to control a classroom.
By the way, your daughter is amazingly adorable. I LOVE her cheeks, and you're being a wonderful mama!!
We were the first of our friends and family to have babies. And nobody "got it" when it came to the girls. But they had PLENTY of advice. My girls are a bit older and now... they have the babies.... its nice to sit back and watch
I am pregnant with my first and my husband and I always talk about how we are going to discipline. But I know that it most likely be anything like what we talk about. Especially because every child is different and needs to be disciplined in different ways.
I think that they way you deal with Scout sounds great! You sound very patient and calm. Im hoping that I will ease into that instead of being strict all the time.
There's a huge difference between a one year old and even a 2 year old!! Trust me. If James closes a book on me, or gets into something he shouldn't be getting into (chances are he knows he shouldn't be doing it now anyway..lol) it's way different than for Natalie to do it. You are right on the money with all of that.
All Scout thinks when it comes to tangible things these days are 1. Can I fit it into my mouth and oh yeah, how does it taste? 2. Neat!! Let's see what it does!!
And like you said, she doesn't fully understand the ways of it all and it's okay. Because I used to think exactly how she thinks (reacts) and I have been eating my words since day one. LOL
So, so true :)
Just found your blog today and wanted to say I enjoyed it!
I'm pregnant right now, and I'm already aware that it's time to shut up about what I think I should or shouldn't do as a mother... I realize those words are going to haunt me in a few shorts months. Who knows how I'll feel when I have a child of my own? It is certainly a perspective changer.
You birthed her! You have the choice in how to rear her. Others might have an opinion, you can listen then decide how you want to do it. This is your opportunity to do it "your way". Gotta say though, it's sometimes hard to watch lol. We 'Mimi's' have to remember to let the little ones go unless it is life threatening. Then nothing's going to keep me from speaking up lol. Always going to protect my little ones.
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