I need an accountability partner. I need to tell someone EXACTLY what is going into my mouth on a daily basis. I think what it has come down to is me needing to post on my blog for all to see (including DH) every single thing I eat every day. I'm just so weak sometimes when left to my own devices.

I shouldn't need to go to such great lengths to keep myself in check, but I know I have to. It sounds ridiculous, but I wish Weight Watchers had "sponsors" like AA. I don't even really know what all a sponsor does, but I just assume that it's someone who is investing time and energy into a person who is trying to get off the sauce because they have been there and done that. Someone who is just a phone call away when temptation strikes and you need to be talked down. Gah! It feels so dumb to compare overeating with something as serious as alcoholism. Like, it shouldn't even be in the same category. But you know what? For me, it is. Only, with overeaters, we have to KEEP EATING to stay alive. We can't just swear the stuff off and isolate ourselves from food forever.

There is a can of Target brand decaf coffee in my cupboard that has a picture of a steaming coffee cup and some kind of iced cinnamon roll on a plate. Late at night, when I am rummaging through the cabinets to find something to munch on, my brain sees the image of that cinnamon roll and for a fraction of a second, I think, "OOhh..There's something yummy and sweet in that can!" and I find myself almost reaching for it. There was a big bag of mini candybars in one of the cabinets last week. It was part of DH's snack arsenal leftover from the first camp-out at Ch1c-Fil-A. He left it at home when he went to the second Chic-F1l-A opening. The tiny little pieces of deliciousness are just 1 point each....so, before my recent decision to lower my point allowance, it was SUPER easy to just keep popping them in my mouth everytime I walked past that part of the kitchen. I new that DH would notice that the bag had deflated in size quite a bit when he got home, but I didn't care. I just wanted chocolate. I was alone in the house with the baby for 2 1/2 days. It's absolutely no excuse, but I just wanted comfort food. I just wanted to cure the boredom and stress. A bag of mini candy bars is good for that sort of thing.

I am an emotional eater. (duh!) Tonight (well, I guess it was technically last night now) I felt physically and emotionally spent. Scout would not take her afternoon nap and was pretty clingy the whole day, due to teething I suppose. I desperately need a shower, but can really only take one when she is napping. Her morning nap only lasted long enough for me to start cleaning the kitchen, pick up toys, and sit down to BRIEFLY check my email and glance at message boards and blogs. I've been trying to cook more often, so I cooked DH (who was working from home)some lunch while I was feeding Scout some lunch as well. Yay me for multitasking! Anyway, that got the kitchen all disgusting again and it remains disgusting as I sit here and type this.

The fact that Scout all of the sudden has this ravishing hunger for solid foods and is not at all satisfied with breastmilk-only meals anymore has me worried that my milk supply is dwindling. I can barely pump anything and she just does not seem happy with the boob (during the day) anymore. As DH's eggs and sausage were cooking and Scout sat at the table shoveling food into her mouth like she just couldn't get enough, I sat there and pondered what (if anything) I need to do about my milk supply or if the way she is suddenly so starved for "real" food is normal.

We pretty much just went from room to room playing all day, because she would get bored with her surroundings and get uber cranky very quickly (the teething again). It was extremely cold outside and the roads were a little icy, so I didn't want to run my errands. (which I need to get done soon!) She really wasn't all that cranky, just very demanding. And as I sat and read her books and played with her, thoughts of my dire need to bathe and put clean clothes on loomed over my head like a dense cloud. No, I take it back - that was just a fluffy summer cloud. The thought of my beyond-nasty kitchen is the looming dark cloud.

Oh, and did I mention that she had woken up several time through the night, so I was running on very little sleep?

I made dinner during Scout's crankiest stint of the day. She was not happy about me putting her down in a safe place when I had to open the oven door or carry a pot of boiling pasta over to the sink. I think I must've said, "Just a minute sweetie pie, momma's almost done!" about a trillion times.

DH let his dinner get cold (just like he let his lunch get cold) because he just gets so immersed in his work, it's tough for him to get to a stopping point. I can understand that. But darnit, it's frustrating to put so much effort and energy into juggling a baby on one hip while trying to prepare some decent food for your hard-working husband, only for it to sit and get cold and crusty.

I so needed to hand off the baby to someone else for just a little while. Even 5 or 10 minutes. It was just one of those days when you feel like you need a little break. DH was seriously up to his eyeballs in work and was going to have to work all evening as well. When he is working from home, I try to pretend that he is not even here because I know that if he had an office away from home, I wouldn't be able to ask him to hold or entertain Scout while I go take a crap, so it's unfair for me to do that while he's sitting in his office in the back room.

I guess I said all of that just to say: When I have days like this all I want to do is shove things in my mouth. Like, I have a "Screw it. I'm tired, I'm stressed, and I don't really care that I am going to eat this waffle and this spoonful of peanut butter and send myself 10 points over my daily allowance" type of attitude. It is so unhealthy. I know that I need to change my way of thinking. I know that throwing all of my hard work out the window and giving into temptation is stupid. It's irrational. It's a waste of 39 bucks or whatever we're paying for my monthly pass to Weight Watchers. I know that a change needs to happen.

I don't have days like that EVERY day. I have days when I eat so light and healthy.....a bowl of oatmeal and some eggwhites for breakfast...a turkey sandwich and salad for lunch...some baby carrots, plain yogurt, and an apple for snack....baked chicken, 1/2 cup whole wheat pasta, and a plate full of veggies for dinner...light popcorn for a bedtime snack. I really do good most days. But it's not without some serious internal struggle. Why does it have to be so hard? Why is food such a big freakin' deal for me? And why do I go and sabotage the work I did on those good days with my "To hell with it" days??

I want to have a healthy attitude toward food so that Scout will not see how mommy has secret 2nd and 3rd helpings and shoves brownies in her mouth when she thinks no one is looking. I don't want her to constantly struggle with her weight and feel like she is a blimp and will be forever because she thinks that she's always going to be a binge eater. I want her to grow up feeding her body good things and not being a slave to her sweet tooth, always looking for something in the cupboard to satisfy a craving...and always waiting until no one is looking because she's ashamed.

I grew up watching my dad eat exactly like I do now. I know that I am an adult and there is only so much blame you can place on your parents before you have to take responsibility for your own actions. I am totally to blame for my overeating. My parents are not. I just mention my dad's eating habits because I'm thinking of how I don't want my problem to trickle down to Scout like my dad's problem trickled down to me.

You know, when you see those 700 lb house-bound people on talk shows, most people probably think, "How could you possibly get to that point?" Well, I don't. I KNOW how they got to that point. I feel their pain. They are like drug addicts. They have destroyed their own lives, but they still need compassion and understanding. They can't control themselves and they need serious help to escape the hell that they have created for themselves. I am not saying, "Oh, poor them. They can't help it." I'm just saying that I can see how someone gets to that point. I can relate.

A few years ago, I went on a diet and lost 30-something pounds. It wasn't really a diet as much as it was just a healthy way of eating: limiting myself to just 1 piece of bread or 1 half cup serving of whole grain pasta or brown rice per meal....eating lots of lean meats and fish and veggies...only getting sugar from the fruit I ate. It was a big struggle back then too, but I guess I was just really determined. I need that determination back. I remember giving myself the rule that I need to be HONEST in my eating. Anything that I would not eat in front of DH, I wouldn't eat alone. I guess I just thrive on accountability.

Okay, I'm tired and it's 4:30 in the morning and all of this typing and crying about my food addiction has me worn out. I'm going to go back to sleep (until Scout wakes up again, probably 2 hours from now) and maybe when I wake up, I'll be normal and food will just be food.

Yeah right.

Labels: deep thoughts, weight loss