Sucker
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Scout has become a little clingy lately and it's kind of cute. She doesn't like anyone but her mommy and daddy to hold her. From what I've read and heard from other parents, that's pretty normal at her age.
I find myself getting irritated with the comments people at church make about her clinginess and crankiness. It just so happens that the Sunday morning service is right around the time that she usually takes her morning nap. Understandably so, sometimes she is not on her best game during that time. The Sunday evening service is a little better at the beginning, but as her bedtime approaches, her mood goes downhill fast. Apparently, people at church just think she should be all smiles all the time because I get a lot of comments on her moodiness. Okay, maybe not a lot, but enough for me to take notice and be annoyed with these stupid expections people seem to have.
I got very angry one morning when I was in the church nursery with Scout and a lady came in (who doesn't have any small children - I think she was just being a snoopy busybody and looking to paw some babies) while I was playing with Scout in the floor and hanging out with some other young mommies. Scout made a few pouty unhappy faces and fussed a few times while she was in there and she kept making comments (in a half-joking passive aggressive way) about how Scout is "picky" baby and is cranky, etc. I didn't say much except that she was just sleepy and needed a nap. She just went ON AND ON about how finicky Scout is and was making her out to be such a bratty prima dona.
Last night at choir practice, Scout was smiling and flapping her arms and having a good time and someone said, "Wow, she's actually in a good mood tonight!"
She gets overstimulated very easily. There are only so many times she can take a stranger getting close to her face and touching her hands and saying sweet things to her. They mean well, but it must be very exhausting and for her and can even get a little scary. We were at a local coffee shop and someone we know from church was in there and tried to shake her hand and talk to her and she started crying and acted very scared. I think it sort of offended him and he was like, "Gees, you need to take her out in public more often."
I'm not sure why all of these comments me so mad or why I take it so personally. I'm sure that people just don't think before they speak. Maybe one of the reasons why I find it so irritating is because people at my church are big on the idea that words carry much power. Meaning, if you keep labeling a situation a certain way, it will eventually mimic your speech. We've heard it preached a billion times: Life and death are in the power of the tongue. So thanks, folks, for continually slapping a "bad/fussy/cranky/picky baby" label on my little one!
Okay, and another gripe that is somewhat related...
Last night at choir practice (I don't even want to be in choir, but that's another post in of itself) a friend offered to hold Scout while I had to remain on stage with the other section leaders for a bit. I was perfectly content to hold her (like I had been all evening) and Scout was content too, but I thought it was nice to offer and my back was needing a break anyway.
When she asked, I said, "Sure! That would be great...if she'll go to you."
She was fine for a few seconds until my friend walked away and other people started getting up in her face trying to talk to her and make silly faces at her. She got really scared and distressed and started screaming loudly, so I immediately walked over to get her. My friend took a step back and said, "She's fine, I don't mind. You can go ahead. I can handle her."
I reached out my arms and took her and said, "That's okay. Thanks, though"
She laughed and said, "Sucker!" and some other people around her also chuckled at my eagerness to grab my baby up as soon as she started crying. I wish I wouldn't have said it like this, but for some reason, I laughed nervously and said, "I just can't let my baby cry like that." They all got a good laugh out of that and rolled their eyes as if to say, "Oh, you're one of THOSE moms."
I think that I may be in the minority of moms at my church who do not believe that a baby's cries should be ignored for the sake of getting them "used to" other people holding them. I just don't see the point or the benefit in letting my (nearly) 7 month old daughter stay scared and upset on purpose. I know there will be plenty of things that DH and I will have to do for her own good that will make her upset and cry throughout her childhood. She gets upset when I clip her finger nails. She throws a fit sometimes when I wash her hair. Lately, she's not a big fan of diaper changes. I'm sure she'll have her share of tantrums when we don't allow her to do things like touch electrical outlets or pull the dog's tail. When she's older, she might cry when we don't allow her to eat a bucket full of candy. Her heart will be broken when we tell her that she's not getting that $100 pair of jeans she wants. She'll probably be upset when we say "no" to letting her drive with 4 other teenagers in the car. Even though I don't enjoy upsetting her, there are certainly good reasons for doing all of those things.
But I can't think of a single reason why I should let my little baby be terrified just so a friend or acquaintance can hold her. I've heard several times from some of the older women (and by older, I mean women whose children are grown or nearly grown), "Oh, let her cry. It's good for her". Baloney. Babies need mommy and daddy. Even when I might know that she is perfectly safe in the arms of a friend, SHE doesn't know she's safe. If adults would just think about how it feels when THEY feel unsafe and vulerable and confused...maybe they wouldn't think it's okay cause their babies to feel that way.
I understand that there are times when parents need to leave their babies in the care of others and that transition can be difficult for both the parents and the child. But if I were in the position where I needed to start leaving Scout with a sitter, I would try to gently get her used to being with that person. If it meant her starting out spending just a few minutes at a time with that person so they could slowly build up a raport, I think it would be worth trying to avoid her feeling scared and abandoned. In my opinion, that's different than putting her in the arms of someone who is a stranger as far as she is concerned and walking away and letting her cry because "she needs to get used to being without mommy and daddy".
I find myself getting irritated with the comments people at church make about her clinginess and crankiness. It just so happens that the Sunday morning service is right around the time that she usually takes her morning nap. Understandably so, sometimes she is not on her best game during that time. The Sunday evening service is a little better at the beginning, but as her bedtime approaches, her mood goes downhill fast. Apparently, people at church just think she should be all smiles all the time because I get a lot of comments on her moodiness. Okay, maybe not a lot, but enough for me to take notice and be annoyed with these stupid expections people seem to have.
I got very angry one morning when I was in the church nursery with Scout and a lady came in (who doesn't have any small children - I think she was just being a snoopy busybody and looking to paw some babies) while I was playing with Scout in the floor and hanging out with some other young mommies. Scout made a few pouty unhappy faces and fussed a few times while she was in there and she kept making comments (in a half-joking passive aggressive way) about how Scout is "picky" baby and is cranky, etc. I didn't say much except that she was just sleepy and needed a nap. She just went ON AND ON about how finicky Scout is and was making her out to be such a bratty prima dona.
Last night at choir practice, Scout was smiling and flapping her arms and having a good time and someone said, "Wow, she's actually in a good mood tonight!"
She gets overstimulated very easily. There are only so many times she can take a stranger getting close to her face and touching her hands and saying sweet things to her. They mean well, but it must be very exhausting and for her and can even get a little scary. We were at a local coffee shop and someone we know from church was in there and tried to shake her hand and talk to her and she started crying and acted very scared. I think it sort of offended him and he was like, "Gees, you need to take her out in public more often."
I'm not sure why all of these comments me so mad or why I take it so personally. I'm sure that people just don't think before they speak. Maybe one of the reasons why I find it so irritating is because people at my church are big on the idea that words carry much power. Meaning, if you keep labeling a situation a certain way, it will eventually mimic your speech. We've heard it preached a billion times: Life and death are in the power of the tongue. So thanks, folks, for continually slapping a "bad/fussy/cranky/picky baby" label on my little one!
Okay, and another gripe that is somewhat related...
Last night at choir practice (I don't even want to be in choir, but that's another post in of itself) a friend offered to hold Scout while I had to remain on stage with the other section leaders for a bit. I was perfectly content to hold her (like I had been all evening) and Scout was content too, but I thought it was nice to offer and my back was needing a break anyway.
When she asked, I said, "Sure! That would be great...if she'll go to you."
She was fine for a few seconds until my friend walked away and other people started getting up in her face trying to talk to her and make silly faces at her. She got really scared and distressed and started screaming loudly, so I immediately walked over to get her. My friend took a step back and said, "She's fine, I don't mind. You can go ahead. I can handle her."
I reached out my arms and took her and said, "That's okay. Thanks, though"
She laughed and said, "Sucker!" and some other people around her also chuckled at my eagerness to grab my baby up as soon as she started crying. I wish I wouldn't have said it like this, but for some reason, I laughed nervously and said, "I just can't let my baby cry like that." They all got a good laugh out of that and rolled their eyes as if to say, "Oh, you're one of THOSE moms."
I think that I may be in the minority of moms at my church who do not believe that a baby's cries should be ignored for the sake of getting them "used to" other people holding them. I just don't see the point or the benefit in letting my (nearly) 7 month old daughter stay scared and upset on purpose. I know there will be plenty of things that DH and I will have to do for her own good that will make her upset and cry throughout her childhood. She gets upset when I clip her finger nails. She throws a fit sometimes when I wash her hair. Lately, she's not a big fan of diaper changes. I'm sure she'll have her share of tantrums when we don't allow her to do things like touch electrical outlets or pull the dog's tail. When she's older, she might cry when we don't allow her to eat a bucket full of candy. Her heart will be broken when we tell her that she's not getting that $100 pair of jeans she wants. She'll probably be upset when we say "no" to letting her drive with 4 other teenagers in the car. Even though I don't enjoy upsetting her, there are certainly good reasons for doing all of those things.
But I can't think of a single reason why I should let my little baby be terrified just so a friend or acquaintance can hold her. I've heard several times from some of the older women (and by older, I mean women whose children are grown or nearly grown), "Oh, let her cry. It's good for her". Baloney. Babies need mommy and daddy. Even when I might know that she is perfectly safe in the arms of a friend, SHE doesn't know she's safe. If adults would just think about how it feels when THEY feel unsafe and vulerable and confused...maybe they wouldn't think it's okay cause their babies to feel that way.
I understand that there are times when parents need to leave their babies in the care of others and that transition can be difficult for both the parents and the child. But if I were in the position where I needed to start leaving Scout with a sitter, I would try to gently get her used to being with that person. If it meant her starting out spending just a few minutes at a time with that person so they could slowly build up a raport, I think it would be worth trying to avoid her feeling scared and abandoned. In my opinion, that's different than putting her in the arms of someone who is a stranger as far as she is concerned and walking away and letting her cry because "she needs to get used to being without mommy and daddy".
posted by Unkempt Mommy at 12:25 AM
7 Comments:
"Babies need mommy and daddy"- I wholeheartedly, 1000% agree with you. Let me tell ya, when our almost 2 year old cried around Scout's age and even Natalie's we were quick to grab him and hold him. Research has even shown that this is good because when they're under the age of one, so little, it's good for them and reassuring for them that yes, they are secure. The first year of a baby's life is made up of getting secure with their surroundings. Babies at Scout's age begin to acquire preferences and those two main preferences are..yup..mom and dad. When people get offended that offends me. I'm all like, "hey, she's tiny..it's not that her cause for crying is that she doesn't like you it's because she's nervous and scared". It's the unknowns that scare us too as adults. LOL Don't worry about those people. No offense, but my mom was like that with us as kids and let me tell ya, it took us years to gain security for the attention that was lacked with us. To this day, as being almost 29 I battle with that.
=)
Screw those people. Scout is YOUR baby and you know what is best for her. Bailey has not ever been clingy really but I get plenty of opinions about other things and I just want to be like "Yeah, that's why I am her mom and not you!"
I think the "sucker" comment would have sent me over the edge. Though the situation you were in would probably be tough to walk away or say something, uhm, colorful? I've been trying to work standard (yet CLEAN, which is my problem. Such a potty mouth) response to some of these questions that are helpful and educational. But who knows if I will be able to keep my cool long enough to actually follow through.
You know your baby best. Period. Good job mama.
Thanks, mommas!! Your comments reassure me that I am not "spoiling" my child. I mean, deep down, I know that I am not...but when people say otherwise, I start to question myself.
I say phooey on those women. You are very attuned with Scout's needs, and that is a Very Good Thing.
I don't know why having a baby makes people think they can be all up in your business.
Now I'm going to get all up in your business :) Just in case you are pondering Scout's educational future, you would make a fantastic unschooler. And I wouldn't say that about many people.
It is sad that the place we should feel the most supported tends to push us into a state of uncomfortableness and second guessing ourselves.
When Joe and I started a new church when Max was a few months old, there was drama. I had several woman and the pastor and others come up to me time and time again and "just to let you know"..."we do have a nursery". The pastor even thought something was wrong with me because I wouldn't leave Max in the nursery. Well, every time I left him in there he cried himself sick and wouldn't stop till someone came and got me or I would hear him through the walls and go and get him.
I didn't feel supported at all at church with rearing Max and in fact, I got the impression everyone was telling me to cut the apron strings when Max was months old. WTF?
i read your post just now, nodding my head like crazy!! i too have had SO MANY people tell me that i need to let tristan go to others more often so he "gets used to it" and i HATE it!! the worst is when they're holding him and when he starts crying and reaching his arms out to me, they start to walk away with him! my mil is particularly good at doing this. sometimes i wish my blog was anonymous like yours so i could rant about this stuff on it :) anyhow, you are SO not alone and i think that i also need to step up and speak up for myself rather than feeling like i'm being a "sucker" for wanting to comfort my child.
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