I love you, but please stay home.
Friday, December 29, 2006
I've mentioned this before, but it's on my mind again and I'm going to have to do something about it soon. My mom has offered to come stay with us when the baby's born to help out w/ the cooking, cleaning, etc. She wants to come down a week before my due date and stay for as long as I feel like I need her help. She told me that she'd even be willing to stay for an entire month, if I feel like I need her help for that long. I am SOOOOOO appreciative of this offer. I know that with my entire family living 900 miles away, I should treasure any special milestone moments like this that I get to share with them. My mom is so excited about helping me decorate the nursery. She is in the process of making the curtains, bumper pads, & and bedding for the crib. (Although I know the crib won't get much use right away). I want her to come and help and I'm excited about her visit....It will be a comfort having my mommy with me during those first few weeks.
The problem is, I DON'T WANT MY STEP-DAD TO COME WITH HER! I know that may sound heartless, but I just keep playing it all out in my mind and I don't think I can handle having a male (other than my husband) staying at my house when I have this baby.
For one thing, DH will probably only be able to get a VERY short vacation from work when the baby is born, and I'm afraid that he'll feel like he has to entertain and go off and do things w/ my step-dad while he's here. I want ALL of DH's attention to be with me and the baby. I think it's important that DH get to bond w/ the baby as much as possible before he has to go back to work...and I can definitely see my step-dad (not purposefully, of course) getting in the way of that.
Another reason I don't want him here is the fact that I will be learning the ins and outs of breastfeeding. If I want to go around my house totally topless during those first few weeks, I want the freedom to do that. If I want to gripe about cramps and bleeding and perineal ouchies, I want the freedom to do that too. My house just won't be MY HOUSE with a male house-guest making me feel all inhibited.
The third (AND PROBABLY BIGGEST) reason I don't want him around is that he is VERY dependent on my mom. He can do things on his own, but when she's around, he suddenly forgets how to do everything. She could be on the opposite end of the house and he'll yell for her from his recliner. When she stops what she's doing to see what he wants, it'll be some silly question like, "What's good on t.v. tonight?" or "Where's the cordless phone?" Granted, she doesn't always put up w/ this non-sense. Sometimes, she gets fed up and says "Go find it yourself!"
He is a super nice guy and I love him to death, but he is very needy. He LOVES to be waited on. When they came to visit a few months ago, I was wondering how on earth she does it! "Hon, where are my socks?" (when they're obviously in the suitcase...same place they were yesterday....duh!) "What's for dinner tonight?" (Harmless question....except that he already asked her twice that day and every time she gave the same answer!)
I think he just gets bored and likes to hear himself talk or something. It's like he doesn't have a filter. The first thing that pops into his mind, he says. That's just the way he's always been. Not only is there no filter, but he is very LOUD as well. I wish you could imagine this. I'm not doing it justice with my description. He is like a cartoon character or a parody. It makes me giggle....until I'm around it for more than 5 hours....then, it just gets old because he is being totally serious and has no idea he's acting that way.
This may seem selfish, but if my mom comes here to help out with the baby, I can see myself getting extremely annoyed if he is tugging on her apron strings the whole time at a billion decibels and I'm having to listen to it.
For the last few months, I've been telling myself that it won't be so bad to have him here and that I'm just being insensitive. After all, he is so nice to us and loves nothing more than to help us out whenever he can. One of the reasons he wants to come down when my mom visits is so he can do little home-improvement projects around our house.
But.....no matter how hard I try, the whole thing just doesn't sit right with me. I'm afraid that with my emotions running high during that stressfull period of adjustment and change, I will totally snap and fly off the handle at him.
So, I tactfully brought the subject up when I was talking to my mom the other day. Actually, I thought the way her side of the conversation was headed, that she was trying to break it to me easy that my step-dad might not be coming down with her. Not so. (sigh)
She was saying that she didn't think he'd want to stay for as long as she wants to stay, so she's trying to convince him to come down separately and only stay for a week and let her drive down by herself and stay as long as I want her too. I interrupted at this point and said "Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about this...." and brought up the fact that I don't know if I'll feel entirely comfortable with another man in the house while I'm recovering from giving birth and learning how to breastfeed.
It felt good to let that out and I thought for sure that I was getting my point across. NOPE. She then cut me off and said, "Oh, honey, stuff like that doesn't bother him. Your step-brother's wife nurses her baby at our house all the time and he just gets up and leaves the room. It's no big deal."
Oh. My. Gosh.
Then I couldn't get a word in edgewise. She just was going on and on about how much he wants to come, but doesn't want to stay for a month but that she's committed to staying here for as I long as I want, so she's not sure what they'll end up doing, yada yada. She obviously did not grasp what I was trying to tell her.
So, I'm going to pitch this idea to my mom and try to be as blunt as possible: Maybe instead of coming down a week before my due date, she can drive down ON my due date (I have a feeling that I'll go past my due date for some reason)....OR immediately AFTER the baby's born. Then, she can stay for 3 or 4 weeks after that. My step-dad can fly down the last week she's here and then drive back with her. By that time, I don't think I'll be quite as hormonal and I'll feel more up to having loud and needy house guests :)
Uuuugghhh. I hate confrontation. I'm not looking forward to bringing this up again, but I HAVE TO. Ideally, I just don't want him here at all. It's not that I don't want to see him, it's just that I will be thinking about other things. DH and I will be wrapped up in being brand new parents for the very first time, and not much else will matter. Everything/everbody else will just be in the way, in my mind. I want my home to be a quiet safe-haven and place of bonding and recovery and learning about our baby in PEACE. This is the only time we'll get to experience bringing a baby home for the first time, and I don't want it to be tainted by a visit that unintentionally feels like an intrusion.
The problem is, I DON'T WANT MY STEP-DAD TO COME WITH HER! I know that may sound heartless, but I just keep playing it all out in my mind and I don't think I can handle having a male (other than my husband) staying at my house when I have this baby.
For one thing, DH will probably only be able to get a VERY short vacation from work when the baby is born, and I'm afraid that he'll feel like he has to entertain and go off and do things w/ my step-dad while he's here. I want ALL of DH's attention to be with me and the baby. I think it's important that DH get to bond w/ the baby as much as possible before he has to go back to work...and I can definitely see my step-dad (not purposefully, of course) getting in the way of that.
Another reason I don't want him here is the fact that I will be learning the ins and outs of breastfeeding. If I want to go around my house totally topless during those first few weeks, I want the freedom to do that. If I want to gripe about cramps and bleeding and perineal ouchies, I want the freedom to do that too. My house just won't be MY HOUSE with a male house-guest making me feel all inhibited.
The third (AND PROBABLY BIGGEST) reason I don't want him around is that he is VERY dependent on my mom. He can do things on his own, but when she's around, he suddenly forgets how to do everything. She could be on the opposite end of the house and he'll yell for her from his recliner. When she stops what she's doing to see what he wants, it'll be some silly question like, "What's good on t.v. tonight?" or "Where's the cordless phone?" Granted, she doesn't always put up w/ this non-sense. Sometimes, she gets fed up and says "Go find it yourself!"
He is a super nice guy and I love him to death, but he is very needy. He LOVES to be waited on. When they came to visit a few months ago, I was wondering how on earth she does it! "Hon, where are my socks?" (when they're obviously in the suitcase...same place they were yesterday....duh!) "What's for dinner tonight?" (Harmless question....except that he already asked her twice that day and every time she gave the same answer!)
I think he just gets bored and likes to hear himself talk or something. It's like he doesn't have a filter. The first thing that pops into his mind, he says. That's just the way he's always been. Not only is there no filter, but he is very LOUD as well. I wish you could imagine this. I'm not doing it justice with my description. He is like a cartoon character or a parody. It makes me giggle....until I'm around it for more than 5 hours....then, it just gets old because he is being totally serious and has no idea he's acting that way.
This may seem selfish, but if my mom comes here to help out with the baby, I can see myself getting extremely annoyed if he is tugging on her apron strings the whole time at a billion decibels and I'm having to listen to it.
For the last few months, I've been telling myself that it won't be so bad to have him here and that I'm just being insensitive. After all, he is so nice to us and loves nothing more than to help us out whenever he can. One of the reasons he wants to come down when my mom visits is so he can do little home-improvement projects around our house.
But.....no matter how hard I try, the whole thing just doesn't sit right with me. I'm afraid that with my emotions running high during that stressfull period of adjustment and change, I will totally snap and fly off the handle at him.
So, I tactfully brought the subject up when I was talking to my mom the other day. Actually, I thought the way her side of the conversation was headed, that she was trying to break it to me easy that my step-dad might not be coming down with her. Not so. (sigh)
She was saying that she didn't think he'd want to stay for as long as she wants to stay, so she's trying to convince him to come down separately and only stay for a week and let her drive down by herself and stay as long as I want her too. I interrupted at this point and said "Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about this...." and brought up the fact that I don't know if I'll feel entirely comfortable with another man in the house while I'm recovering from giving birth and learning how to breastfeed.
It felt good to let that out and I thought for sure that I was getting my point across. NOPE. She then cut me off and said, "Oh, honey, stuff like that doesn't bother him. Your step-brother's wife nurses her baby at our house all the time and he just gets up and leaves the room. It's no big deal."
Oh. My. Gosh.
Then I couldn't get a word in edgewise. She just was going on and on about how much he wants to come, but doesn't want to stay for a month but that she's committed to staying here for as I long as I want, so she's not sure what they'll end up doing, yada yada. She obviously did not grasp what I was trying to tell her.
So, I'm going to pitch this idea to my mom and try to be as blunt as possible: Maybe instead of coming down a week before my due date, she can drive down ON my due date (I have a feeling that I'll go past my due date for some reason)....OR immediately AFTER the baby's born. Then, she can stay for 3 or 4 weeks after that. My step-dad can fly down the last week she's here and then drive back with her. By that time, I don't think I'll be quite as hormonal and I'll feel more up to having loud and needy house guests :)
Uuuugghhh. I hate confrontation. I'm not looking forward to bringing this up again, but I HAVE TO. Ideally, I just don't want him here at all. It's not that I don't want to see him, it's just that I will be thinking about other things. DH and I will be wrapped up in being brand new parents for the very first time, and not much else will matter. Everything/everbody else will just be in the way, in my mind. I want my home to be a quiet safe-haven and place of bonding and recovery and learning about our baby in PEACE. This is the only time we'll get to experience bringing a baby home for the first time, and I don't want it to be tainted by a visit that unintentionally feels like an intrusion.
Labels: family, general complaining, griping about people
posted by Unkempt Mommy at 7:45 AM
4 Comments:
Well, my mom only lives about 8 minutes away, so she isn't going to come stay with us at all. DH will have at least a week off work, and then she can come by and help as needed. We already told the in-laws (who drive me crazy but that's a whole 'nother story) that they can come visit but they can't stay at our house- they will either have to get a hotel room or stay in Illinois with other family. I figure this is my first baby and the only time I will have this experience, and my comfort, bonding with baby, and getting used to breastfeeding in a comfortable environment is more important than other family members at this point. Wow, I will have to blog about this at some point too.
This is such an important time for you and hubby, you are entitled to forget about everyone else's feelings and do what you are comfortable with - be straight with you mum and tell her exactly how you feel - they'll understand, right now you come first. xx
How totally frusterating when you feel like you are being open and getting something out, and then the other person doesn't understand and it is like you said nothing at all!
Argh.
I'm SO sorry you have to go through this! I tried to un-invite DH's family for Christmas when Katie came 2 weeks early, but they came anyway. MIL kept going on and on about how they would be so helpful and how much rest I'd be able to get. NOT SO! I had MIL, 2 SIL's, and one SIL's fiance in my tiny house. They were in my living room, so whenever I wanted to nurse, I had to go alone to the nursery (where I did not have the most comfortable chair for Katie's desire to ONLY eat in the football hold) or to my bedroom. Once there, I needed to SHOUT to DH if I had forgotten something or needed something. They did not clean up after themselves, showered and used my towels, slept on my linens, and we had to do the laundry after they left. Whew, after all that help I was so rested!!!
Did I mention this was Christmas Day, the DAY AFTER I came home from the hospital with my first child who was 2 weeks early in my first home that I had moved into while on bedrest, 14 days after having carpal tunnel surgery on both hands, and undiagnosed bladder and staph infections in my c-section incision? Ooooh, it was not a Merry Christmas that year. On the second morning that they were here, around 7am, I freaked out, broke down, and screamed that they all had to either go to a hotel or go back to NC. They have since forgiven me (for the most part, especially the SIL who is now a mother of 2).
Sorry to write a book in your comments section...I have family who might read my blog but I wanted you to know that you do need to take care of this before the worst happens. I couldn't imagine having my s'dad here when my mom arrived 2 days after the above and took over and I finally DID get some rest. It was all boobies and lochia and moaning...OH MY! And my mommy was here to take care of me when I needed her to, to take care of the baby when I needed to rest, and to take care of the house when we needed that.
HUGS!!! Praying for you during this tough time!!
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