Still no sign of Aunt Flow, although she's not really due to visit until tomorrow, according to my calculations. I had bad AF symptoms Monday, but none yesterday or today. DH thinks we probably tested too early and I might be pregnant, but I'm not so convinced. I was thinking that w/ all the pics of pregnancy test progressions I've seen, there's at least the faintest tiniest little line showing on a positive test that was taken too early. Even if you have to close one eye, look at it in bright natural daylight, and stand on one foot to see it, the line is there. The test I took was negative, without a doubt. Not even a tiny inkling of that second line showing. But then, it wasn't my first morning urine....

My aunt and uncle have tried to conceive for almost 15 years with no success. They have tried everything and have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars with nothing to show for it. Their 2nd attempt at IVF yielded twins that miscarried at 5 weeks. Now they've been going through the long and confusing process of adopting a baby girl from China for about a year and a half. They may or may not get to visit China in January or February to meet the little girl they will potentially adopt.....and even then, it could be 4 months after their initial visit before they're allowed to go back and pick her up. I can't imagine the heartbreak and frustration they've gone through. To be honest, they've both become generally bitter people with very bad attitudes about everything. In a way, I can't blame them. But it's sad that they have spent their whole marriage living for something that might happen in the future, instead of trying to enjoy the present.

I never want to be like that. I admit that thoughts of our future life with a baby are always fresh in my mind, but I love my life with my husband and the 5 1/2 years of marriage we've enjoyed. I'm happy with our life. I know it's easy for me to say right now, this being our 1st month of trying to get pregnant, but I always want to have the attitude that I DON'T NEED to be a parent to fulfill my purpose in this world. I would LOVE to be a parent and know that children are a blessing from God. The relationship between parent and child is a wonderful reflection of the relationship between the Lord and His children. As a mom, I think I'll end up being able to understand more clearly the intense unconditional love my Father in Heaven has for me. I want to keep my eyes fixed on Christ during our efforts to conceive a child and know that God wants me to live in the present day instead of wishing and hoping my life away. Amen.

Labels: ttc